Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

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Gather round, technophiles both young and old! It’s the dawn of new technology, and you get to be part of it! Well, granted that you can accept a long-term contract from a phone service provider and be able to swing the cash to pay for one of these fine new Apple products! Prepare your skulls for some of the craziest new features you’ve ever seen in this phone, at least until the next new phone comes out! Never mind wrapping your head around the fact that just over a decade ago, phones were not used as cameras, let alone fully-blown handheld computers! At this rate, you’re going to be using your blender to travel in time sometime in the near future! Let’s do it!

Here are nine things you need to know about the new iPhone.

A7 Power

Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

Double your pleasure, double your fun! Sure, your now-considered-old-school Apple iPhone 5S runs at speeds that are light-years ahead of the competitors like Samsung and Sony, but now you’re going to get your cat photos EVEN FASTER. Apple has said “The iPhone 5S is a huge leap forward in mobile computing performance. It starts with a brand new system on a chip called the A7. A7 is 64-bit, the world’s first and only such CPU in a smartphone.” This will make the newest iPhone as fast as a computer! The ironic thing is that the A7 is also the name of the Corsair II jet used by the American military, which will be out of commission by 2017 due to budget constraints.

M7 is Going to Keep You Alive

Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

In addition to motion and fingerprint sensitivity options, the 5S will feature technology that also bears some long-winded nomenclature in terms of title and specifications: the M7. Why no, it’s not a division of MI6, the home secret agency of the world-famous agent known as 007 (James Bond to the ladies), M7 is a motion processor that is meant to perpetually capture motion and gestural data, in addition to having an accelerometer. All of these features mean an app that can measure your daily ritualistic movements and help you monitor/measure you activities to have a healthier lifestyle. Supposedly Apple worked in conjunction with Nike to get this together, which will lead to future apps that can tell how fat/lazy you are.


Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

Amber alert! In what can almost be seen as a conspiracy that involves the people over at Instagram, Apple has revealed that the new iPhone 5s is going to be upgraded with a dual-flash system for its shutterbugs! Never mind that single-flash nonsense from the regular iPhone 5, this little turkey now has an “amber” flash that will allow the photographer the power to adjust to whatever lighting that is in the room – from greenish fluorescent to natural sunlight, you’ll finally have the ability to Yelp high-resolution pictures of your food that nobody wants to see!


It’s a fact that Siri knows all – much like a bastardized techno-crystal ball – but did you know that our favorite little Hal 5000 knockoff doesn’t even access stuff like Wikipedia and Twitter? Siri will be expanding her repertoire to include the tweets of your favorite celebrities and people whom you are too lazy to access on Facebook. Furthermore, the digital diva will be delving into the wickedest Wikis for your delight and amusement! If only Siri could just write our final papers while we’re busy doing stuff like eating Doritos Locos Tacos. Guess that’s not gonna happen until iPhone Mk. 8. Oh well.

Gold In Them Thar Hills

The funny thing about the announcement that the iPhone 5 is now going to come in a gold color, besides the fact that it’s going to be bought-up be every blinged-out rapper with a set of chains in the dirty south, is that the Apple iPhone 5c is coming in an array of bright colors. It’s as if they finally held out on the most distasteful metallic color until they were already spilling their Crayola box. It makes you wonder how long it will be until users will be able to preorder their own tailored-iPhone casing, which will mean a major shortage of scarlet and grey in Buckeye country (!). Be on the watch for future metallic gems like platinum, aluminum, tin and gum-wrapper.

Power Up!

Duuuuuuuuuuuuude, you’re gonna be able to play Candy Crush for, like, ever now! You’re going to be empowered with the ability to prolong the inevitable pull of your addiction to that glowing little screen, urging you to look away from whatever meaningful conversation may be at hand! You’ll not only be able to order pizzas and tacos and tapas with individual apps, you’ll be able to do so for even longer carb-guzzling periods of time! Good God, the battery will cradle your need for the connection that all humans must feel, 140 characters at a time! No really, this thing will be more powerful than the normal Apple iPhone 5 with a battery that can hold out for 10 hours of constant wi-fi browsing and up to 250 hours on standby!

Can You Put Your Finger On It?

Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

Speaking of 007, this little bugger’s got some actual-actual spytech going on! You can possibly kiss that little “slide to unlock” function aloha for goodsies, because Apple has a new doohickey called Touch ID that recognizes your fingerprint for maximum personal security! According to Apple spokespeople, “Now you can simply touch the home button to unlock your phone. Since it’s built in, you can also use it to make iTunes purchases. It reads your fingerprint at an incredibly detailed level. The sensor is thinner than a human hair” I guess that the bad guy from the movie “Se7en” can never use it, then. Poor guy.

Magical Colors

Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

In addition to reformatting the color scheme with the (gasp!) gold option and the smorgasbord of iPhone 5c colors, iPhone is premiering an entire collection of new cases for your collecting pleasure! The iPhone case will be $39, fashioned out of leather with a microfiber interior and is available in brown, beige, black, yellow, blue, and red. The case is crafted to fit over the Sleep/Wake and volume buttons, with openings for the Ring/Silent switch and back camera and flash. While there will be tons of these available in dollar stores and corner bodegas, there ain’t nothing quite like the real thing. Spring the extra bucks for these when the phone really drops and you won’t be sorry.

The Low-Down

Things You Need To Know About The New iPhone 5s

The iPhone 5s costs $199 for 16GB, $299 for 32GB, or $399 for 64GB of storage with a new two-year contract. Without a contract, those same phones will cost $649, $749, and $849, respectively. As with the 5c, you can get the unlocked model for use with T-Mobile. (Apple’s site doesn’t currently list a no-SIM option for the 5s.)
You can pre-order an iPhone 5c starting on Friday, September 13; the 5c will actually be available on September 20. The iPhone 5s will also be available on September 20, but Apple isn’t taking pre-orders for that model. These dates go for the US, Australia, Canada, China, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Japan, Puerto Rico, Singapore, and the UK.


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