Gadgets

Web 3 Console Will Never Happen

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Web 3 Console

The Polium One is the answer to something that no one ever asked, nor will ever, ask. It is a “next-gen console for web3 gaming.” Which is to say, render on a website for a fictional machine that I believe will absolutely never get made.

To be clear from the start “web3” or “web 3.0” is the umbrella term for a series of transparently obvious scams, from the delusions of cryptocurrency to the embarrassment of NFTs. It doesn’t really mean anything, and if you see anyone using it, you know to steer very wide. So yes, the Polium One!

Polium, a company of such renown that it wasn’t even able to get the Twitter handle with just one underscore after the brand name, has announced its intention to create the first console designed for…for…the thingy. You know. The web3 stuff. Um, like, payments! Yes, the payments! You can pay for things on it using all sorts of crypto!

Seriously, that’s all it has. The website, suggesting a 2024 launch for backers, and 2025 for the hoi polloi, has an FAQ that offers absolutely no answers, other than which bullshit payment networks it’ll accept. You, a nocoiner, might want to ask, “What games will be available at launch?” but you’ll only be told, “We are currently in talks with multiple game developers.” Meanwhile, a true believer will want to know that you can spend your pretend money via Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…

My favorite question in the FAQ is “What will be the specs?” And not just for that tortuous effort not to split the infinitive. Here’s the answer, in full:

“We aim to build a high-performance console. The specs you see on the site are not confirmed until we have a functional prototype.”

As for those “specs” on the site, they are—so far as I can tell—the following: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, Ray Tracing, up to 120 frames per second.

Let’s break that down. It’s 4K AND 8K, has ray tracing and 120fps on its no graphics card and boasts…Apple’s wholly-owned and unavailable-to-outsiders TouchID! Bold claims!

It really doubles down on that TouchID declaration, which it absolutely cannot have, claiming it’s also the tech that shall prevent others sneaking in and using your console to spend all your crypto on a picture of a monkey.

However, when you want to spend all your own crypto on a picture of a monkey, the console has your back, boasting a “multi-chain wallet for trading, swapping and bridging,” as well as, “buy and trade NFTs and in-game items.”

It gets even funnier when you look at Polium’s Medium page, where we’re informed that, “The console will be built by the community.” Er, huh? Well, you see, “We will take pre-orders before the console’s hardware is completely built. This will help us gather customer feedback, ideas, and validation.” Ahhhh. They’ll take your money before a thing exists in order to feel more valid. Got it.

Let’s remember, none of this exists. It’s a render next to a series of nonsensical claims and a promise of a prototype “in a few months.” Nothing offers a roadmap to victory like “in a few.” But where there’s suddenly a pool of detail is a mock-up of its “clean dashboard.”

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